Grey Bear Culture Magazine

December 11th, 2025
From: My heart
To: Every You I’ve Loved Before
Subject: To finally pour my heart, to you

I’m scared. I’m writing this, to express what I have suppressed for so long and physically cannot anymore. What lies deep beneath the layers of act.
I’m scared that you might actually see me. For me. Behind the facade of the person I pretend to be everyday, so effortlessly, a part of me hides. I’ve learned to cast myself in the shape of any mold – to fit, to adjust, to the point that my own flesh now feels unfamiliar and strange. The crimson blood rushing through my veins, ivory bones holding me together, each nerve, every muscle, hides a soul, unknown to most.

I am not the person you see me as. A person who is quiet but loving, always with a smile glowing so brightly that you may forget all your troubles looking at it. Always encouraging and appreciating others for their achievements. I pretend it doesn’t affect me – them getting everything I’ve ever wanted. I resent myself for being jealous, but I too, am human. I hate it when people surpass me on one of the only things I was good at, the only thing that I could call ‘my’ thing. I hate the quiet self doubt that lingers, the resentment towards my own self, the envy I
feel. Even after every step taken profoundly, every inch with care, I still end up with nothing. I am almost there – but never quite. Someone is always one step ahead. That one step is somewhere I never reach.

I try not to laugh ‘too’ loud, too not stay ‘too’ quiet either because I’m tired. Tired of being labelled as the extremes of the opposites. I’m always expected to be constant, to always be perfect. I no longer have room left to grow. I feel trapped in the void of expectations to be their ideal person.

In the never ending cycle of fearing being perceived as too much or too little, I kept losing myself, little by little, hiding my true self. Every time you decode my emotions a little too well, see what’s hidden behind, I feel scared. Scared that my ugly, unfiltered, obnoxious self that I try to hide so desperately will be revealed. I am not the polished version of myself. I’ll forever be ‘too much’ or ‘never enough’ for them, but maybe that’s how I’ll be truly me. You see me with all my flaws and imperfections, yet choose to love. That is why you are, my favourite.

yours truly,
Alisha

By Alisha Nasim

– Alisha Nasim is an avid learner with a curious mind. She loves exploring new hobbies and being lost in the rabbit hole researching about some niche topic that would probably not benefit her. The epitome of ‘something is better than nothing ‘. She has been published in some digital and print magazines